Chicken Gate One
by
Skip
Title: Chicken Gate One
Author: Skip
Email: jackson4d@genie.co.uk
Category: Humor, Series
Pairing: none
Spoilers: Itty ones...
Season: any
This story is a sequel to: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Series: Chicken Fic
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none,
Status: Completed
Summary: So much is established: the chicken crossed the 'Gate. But while inquests and suchlike proceed, the chicken does too...
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors. Including Dave...
Author's notes: Seriously f-er, -udged up. I mean it. Don't know WHAT possessed me, to be honest. If I EVER write anything this fudged up again I urge you to ask Gemsong to up my medication.
That having been said... some people laughed. So this is for them...
Hammond: People, I demand an explanation.
Jack: Yeah, Thor, how come you didn't tell us about this before? Heck, even the Tok'ra told us before you did!
(Anise smirks, Jack growls at her. Anise goes off looking hurt.)
Thor: Do you recall that I once told you of a far greater threat to the cosmos that the Goa'uld?
Teal'c: Did that not prove to be the Replicators?
Thor: Yes, but that was not the whole of the story... The chickens come in may forms and races, but the one feared above all other was the Avis Rubberis.
-Daniel: Rubber ch--
Thor: They created the Replicators to reproduce in their own image, after a short incubation time when they look like spiders. That was done as camouflage as the spiders on Virellian Prima...
Jack: OK OK!
Thor: ...are benevolent. Once they are complete, the replicated chickens excrete a chemical so as to make them irresistible.
-Jack: And finger lickin' good...-
(Hammond glares Jack who looks innocent and shrugs.)
Thor: They house within them small nanobots which take over those which eat chicken and make them their slaves. They also warp the minds of the young with amusing plastic toys. However, there IS one hope...
(Everyone looks on, holding their breath as Thor keeps up the suspense. Eventually, Jack kicks the sleeping alien back to lucidity.)
Thor: There WAS another race of chickens, one we long thought dead... the Ovacentella.
-Daniel: Eggsellent...-
Thor: Legend has it that the Ancient race of the Ovacentella kept one egg in case anything went wrong in their absence... but when the Tau'ri dialled up this planet, they released it. It must be found before the Rubberians find him first or the very Universe as we know it could be at steak!
Sam: And how will we find this wunder-chick?
Thor: He answers to the name of.... Dave....
Jack: So... why now we know why Thor went for the chicken vindaloo at the office Christmas party... but why isn't it like that for us?
Daniel: Well, it could be that we are the 'Chosen Race' who were designed to resist the effects and overcome the Rubberians.
Janet: Or it could just be that we weren't considered a threat, not sentient enough to count.
Jack: Well... thanks for that.
Sam: Yeah...
Teal'c: It seems a logical conclusion.
Jack: I'm all for the divine saviours one, ok? That's the official line now.
(Sam and Daniel nod. Janet and Teal'c frown.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
MEANWHILE on a planet looking decidedly ovoid, there is a ssssstttrrrange tap-tap sound. Followed by an odd tinkle-tinkle sound. Followed by a *clunk.*
A sound that could have been made by a hundred things, a mayonnaise lid falling to the ground, or the sound of disappointment, or the sound of....
A small, golden figure emerges. Luminescent fluid dripping from it's wet downy feathers. It wibbles forward and falls down unceremoniously.
"Sqwak!"
It looked up uncertainly right into the face of a dopey duck.
"Quack?"
There was a flash of light and the goose staggered back. When its vision returned, it jumped again. "Quack?"
"Quack."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thunder cracks on the horizon. Amidst the dappled glow of search-lights on the bulk of Cheyenne Mountain, lightning played happily.
All in all, it was the excellent setting for a horror movie. Shame we aren't due one, then.
In the dim, muddy light, four figures huddle in the wind.
"You know it's all your stupid fault, Daniel."
"Oh and how do you figure that out, Jack?"
"Well if you hadn't have insisted on studying those damn rocks, then the chicken would never have crossed the gate!"
"Would too!"
"Would not!!"
"WOULD TOO!!!"
"WILL YOU BOTH SHUT UP!!!!" screamed Sam.
The guys looked at her very sheepishly.
"Sorry, Sam," Daniel uttered.
"Anyway, it'll all be over if Maybourne's cronies get his hands on this chicken," Jack uttered. "And good riddance." He shuddered.
Little did SG-1 know that their CO had a phobia of chickens due to a freak accident when he was a small child involving a pointed stick, a roll of duct tape, a frozen chicken and a hairdryer. He still had nightmares.
"Let's go find this mother clucker then," he added.
Teal'c stared on. In Jaffa lore, the chicken was a deadly foe. There was a ceremony required every time one saw one which involved retreating into the hillside for six months to live in a cave.
Daniel and Sam mumbled half-hearted deprecations of the weather in general and grumpy colonels insubordinate.
Teal'c walked on stoically, shoulders slumped. He really didn't want to go near anything that might remotely go 'cluck.'
"Stupid military mentality, trudging around armed to the teeth to retrieve a simple chicken."
"Shut up, Dannyboy."
"Poor thing'll be scared to death, I mean wouldn't- ahh!"
SG-1 spun on their collective heel, gasping. Heads blurring from the rapidity of the movement and the sudden lack of oxygen, they looked down to find Daniel hanging from a precipice. A precipice Jack could have sworn wasn't there a minute ago.
"Danny, oh Danny I'm so sorry! I should never have yelled at you!" He was down on his stomach, gripping the younger man's arm.
"Jack!"
"Danny!"
"Sir!"
"Danny!"
"No, SIR!"
Jack looked at his 2IC. She was pointing distractedly somewhere below the dangling Daniel. O'Neill looked where she directed irritably. Honestly, right in the middle of his 'I'm so goddamned sorry' speech. Stupid scientist.
But there... was a chicken. A brown speckled chicken to be precise. As saviour of the world, it looked none too promising. In fact, truth be told, a little gormless.
"Sqwawk?"
Jack made a grab for it, forgetting Daniel and leaving him to slide downhill in a very undignified manner. And at an exponentially increasing rate. Jack looked up and saw that Carter had obviously taken over the 'narration.' He sure as hell did not know what 'exponential' meant.
"ARGGGHHHH!!!"
"SQWAWK- hiccup!"
"What the-?"
Daniel fell and fell and fell... but there was no *thunk.* Jack and Sam peered over the edge, Jack still holding the terrified chicken. Teal'c merely stood staring at the chicken and swaying like a drunk in a high breeze.
Jack saw Daniel lying on his back, apparently uninjured. And waving. Jack turned to Teal'c. Teal'c turned pale. THEN there was a *thunk.*
"Teal'c?"
"JACK!!!"
Daniel had landed on a big, round white thing that looked rubbery.
"AHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Daniel landed roughly on the ovoid form, fear turning to relief turning to shock.
"JACK!!!!!!!!!!"
He looked up to the ridge, but couldn't see any of his friends. Suddenly, the white shape cradling him began to change shape like some Mighty Morphine-Giving Free Ranger, enveloping him, surrounding him, suffocating him. (And also smelling oddly of parma violets. Ah well.)
"MMMMMMMMUUUUUUGGGGGGGGFFFFFFHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hhhh...hh....h!"
And suddenly- the world went white.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Teal'c was insensible. Jack looked at his teammate writhing on the floor, he'd turned so pale a shade that Jack thought he'd seen a Reetou.
"No! EVIL! There is evil in this place!" Teal'c's normally calm voice was wracked with nearly hidden anxiety. Worse than when he'd heard that O'Neill was planning the Christmas Do. (The one with the vindaloo- and the stripper. Paint stripper, that is. Honestly!)
Sam looked at him and went to his side. "Teal'c? Teal'c, what's wrong? Where?"
Teal'c waved an arm down to where Daniel had last been seen. Already the colonel had gone back into 'Super-Hero' mode and was using Carter's clipboard to 'snow-board' down the hill.
"I'M COMING, DANNY!!!!!"
Daniel was lying on the ground, insensible.
Before long, the archaeologist's head was cradled in his lap, chicken stuffed unceremoniously under his arm, clucking madly.
Everybody: THREE, TWO, ONE- no wait. THREE, TWO- What? Why isn't Daniel coming to? This isn't canon!!!
Jack looked equally dumbfounded. He shoved the chicken into Major Carter's arms and proceeded to stare at Daniel. Nothing. The man was unresponsive.
And Teal'c was muttering something about deerskins, mushrooms and waterfalls. Hmm.
Just then, as if the plot had gotten lost on the way, down came Thor in his Baliskner, and stood in front of them. Jack stood in front of Carter to hide the chicken from view.
"Ah, O'Neill. We have come to check on your progress."
"Is that why you're wearing a napkin?"
"Well- uh...."
"Rumbled!"
"Please come with us, O'Neill. We need to ask you a question."
Sam watched him leave unquestioningly. Then realised she was left holding the chicken with two team members down. Ah crap. Time for the emergency rat-pack choccie bar, I guess.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was not long before O'Neill returned. Well, not really. So we shall show you a montage of what went on. Imagine, if you will, the music 'The Chicken Song.' (The lyrics to which may be extracted from Skip if you so desire.) Now, bear with us, this reel will travel at thrice, thrice and thrice again the normal speed. (Which for those of you with an occult bent will wonder how the hell anyone is supposed to recognise images that fast.)
SamllooksatDaniel,shakesTeal'c,looksatherwatch,looksatthechicken, setsupacampfire,boilscoffee,drinkscoffee,looksatwatch/Daniel/Teal'c.Rubshertummy. LooksatMRES.Looksatchicken.Frowns.Reachesforknife-
"Hey, Carter."
"Hey, Sir!"
"So, what did Thor want?"
"Would you believe me if I said the Colonel's secret recipe?"
"Nope."
"Then it's classified."
"Oh."
And that was that.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was a flash of light.
Flash.
Thank you. VERY enthusiastic, aren't we? I mean, it wasn't as if I asked for a flash of EPIC proportions, but that was PATHETIC! I mean, come on, I know there's a budget but even lightenin-
OW! Fine, be like that. Next time I'll ask for thunder.
And Jack found himself alll alone in a white room.
"I'm all alone in a-"
Yes well you all know my pet hate of stating the obvious, so at this point a large rock falls on Jack.
"Ow! A rock just-"
CRASH
Now Jack can't talk a while. Oops. He never WAS the cleverest cookie....
"ow ow ow ow ow-"
Or the most fluent. Except for curse words. But we've grown out of that, haven't we, Jack.
"mm hmm!"
Aww. Dun't he sound SWEEEET...... Ahem. Now, Jack found himself in a room ALL of his own.
"Cool."
ALL ON HIS OWN.
"Sweet."
WITHOUT HIS TEAM- DUMBASS.
"Oh. Oh team? Te-am? Where are you?"
That's better. Well, to silence my doubters, I have not forgotten my plot and PLOT I DO HAVE, but this is what is called a 'de-velop-ment.' OK?
And while we leave Jack to wander aimlessly and consider his actions, and probably stub his toe and shoot at stuff, and swear when he thinks I'm not listening.
And we'll ignore that unprintable comment, also.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Right now, SG-1 hadn't noticed that everybody's favourite intrepid Colonel was missing. They had turned and ran. Daniel, after bouncing, being 'swallowed,' nearly suffocating- wait for it- and losing his glasses, he got spat out, knocked unconscious and was now left by the fire as his 'comrades' ran away from the rip in narrative that means an AU has spawned. And we all know how bad THAT can be, don't we?
Miraculously, Lazarus- I mean, Daniel, recovered.
"HEY! Wait up!"
He hobbled after them, owing to a nasty sprained ankle. Bah. Some people.
And the chicken, heretofore UNMENTIONED after being dropped by a whisked away AGAIN Jack.... Turned to face....a goose.
LAST EVER CHICKEN FIC
In which all issues are resolved- kinda. In which the meaning of life the universe and everything is reveaked- to those who know where to look. In which I stop leaving any room for later fics- HAHAHAHA. Oh and there's gratuitous chickens, also.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Daniel shuffled along from the white things, but they seemed to have left him alone, now. Thankfully. Looking up, he noticed a big army boot pointing out from under a bush and some sniffling emanating in hushed accompaniment.
"Uh, hello?"
The boot was withdrawn rather sharpish, but Daniel got down onto his hands and knees, yet again forgetting various advice about sticking your head into places you can't see...
"Is there a pro- oh mi god! It's Sam!"
"Please- please don't hurt me," stammered the seven year old Sam.
"Oh no hunny, I wouldn't hurt you at all! Look, see I'm your friend. Shall I take you to find Ja- I mean your Daddy?"
Sam sniffled pathetically and glanced at the proffered hand. Then she sized him up. Thin, gangly- didn't look like much of a threat and she had a good left hook...
"Sure," she muttered.
Now, because some people are adverse to having their favourite characters ridiculed- No I'm not making a concession, I'm just telling them to LOOK AWAY NOW MGB, JSC and any other Teal'c fans, unless they are game for a laugh (hehehehehehehe.)
Daniel, busily searching through his pockets for a candy bar to give to the newly young Sam, did not notice the tall, slightly lanky figure with oddly defined muscles.
"Uh- hello?" Sam asked.
"Who are you looking at?" the youth replied.
Daniel jumped back in shock at the sullen tone to see a teenage boy, arms folded across his chest, staring right back at him. Horrible images flooded across his mind, most of them involving the phrase 'Cunning Linguist.' (Ah man and if I don't get thrown off for THAT I don't know what lol!)
"Te- Teal'c?" he asked incredulously.
"How do you know my name, peasant?"
"Uh, I know- Uh, I know Braytak. He sent me to fetch you."
"Huh. I can't believe Master Braytak sent such a- such a- chicken!"
Daniel splurted out a cough, "Well he did. You are to return home immediately. There is an emergency."
"Chal'nak, maybe I can get to do something other than stupid training, I swear if he makes me do ballet one more time..."
Daniel struggled to look firm, "Teal'c, you must not speak ill of master Braytak. You must learn obedience through good toes naughty toes or whatever else he sees fit."
Teal'c growled lowly, "Yes, SIR."
Daniel patted the restless Sam on the head, "But first we must find a friend of mine."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was awhile before they found him, but its like you always say. Can't find one then three turn up at once.
"I'M THE REAL JACK!"
"NO I'M THE REAL JACK!"
"NO, YOU'RE BOTH WRONG COS ITS ME!"
Don't you just love Multiple Jack syndrome? Well . had people being paying attention, you woulda noticed the opportunities I laid for this. Hahaha. Write from the start.
"Hold it hold it!" Daniel shouted. "One at a time!"
"Well," began one, "You see while you were all running out of the briefing room, I got stuck in the office talking to General Hammond and when I turn to leave I get locked in a cupboard by this evil copy!"
"Lies! It was when you were all sleeping, this shape shifter copied me!"
"More lies! It was when the universes split into AUS!"
"MORE LIES!" thundered a fourth Jack. "I got taken away by the Asgard and time travelled so me and one of those are the real one cos I'm from the future!"
"No..." whimpered a fifth. "Look...."
Cresting the hill were two chickens, rolling about in the mud and dust, kicking up a huge fuss. They were practically indistinguishable. Then a third one dive bombed into the fray and it began again in earnest. (Ah sick joke on the horizon so I'll ignore it...)
"What? Five Jacks, three chickens..."
Just then a pair of Sams and Teal'cs strode up, one of each looking extremely afraid.
"Three Sams, three Teal'cs..."
And then a hoard of Asgard.
"The Asgard.... Tok'ra.... SG3.... The Nox...... The guys from Ascifi......"
Daniel looked fair to bursting.
"I'M THE REAL JACK!"
Only one was not shouting, and this was because he and the Teal'cs had begun to quiver in fear from the chickens. All except teengae-Teal'c, who was sure as hell not gonna look scared in front of that wuss Braytak had sent to fetch him.
Suddenly a clone Daniel made from the cells on his glasses when the rubber ball had enveloped him sprang up and looked menacing. One of the Jacks stuck out a leg and tripped him up, throwing a semi-apologetic look at the 'real' Daniel.
A fourth and final chicken jumped into the heap of clucking, clawing feathers.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Daniel, stopping only for air.
"You, go sit over there!" he instructed the Jacks.
"You scared people. Little Sam will help you.
"You, Tok'ra, go talk with the BIG Sams and the Nox.
"Asgard, put away those knives.
"Chickens, what the hell is going on?"
"Only one is the real Dave," came the spooky voices of an ethereal Jack and Daniel in unison who had fortuitously appeared. "You must choose."
"Hah, bugger that for a laugh," said one of the chickens. It flew up to the Asgard and stole a sachet of secret sauce. This it poured over all three of them.
One exploded.
"Automaton," the chicken explained.
The second disintegrated.
"Rubberian, it perished," he told them.
One changed from a chicken to a goose to a duck to a swan to a duckling (ugly of course) to a hummingbird to a small pile of silvery puddle.
"Shapeshifter."
One looked bedraggled.
"Hi, I'm Dave."
Daniel looked around to the assorted copies/clones/versions/imposters of SG-1, the assembled allies of the Tau'ri, the drooling and giggling Mob of Ascifi (who were now rushing forwards in an impatient riot.) A rift occurred in the space time continuum, looking like a very pretty wobbly purpley thing, but spewing forth more members of SG-1 of various ages and sanity levels.
Daniel looked at the scene which was ripping as the timeline divided due to chronoton particles from the amassed gadgets of the Carters, the paradoxes about meeting yourself heralding the apocalypse, the shimmering mirage of pre AU junction and the start of a sing song round the campfire.
"....ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha..."
"... we all know a little cluck, davey, davey, we all know a little cluck...."
"..she'll be coming round the MALP when she comes...."
".ten green goa'ulds sitting on a wall..."
Dave began explaining to Master Braytak how chickens were the true sentient life and were actually the Ancients and how such questions as:
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Which Came First, The Chicken or the Egg What is the Sound of One Wing Flapping If I Have Two Eggs and One Hatches How Many Do I Have- And How Much Corn Do I Need Two In the Hand Is Worth How Much At Market How Many Chickens Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb When When When Little Hen Will You Lay Me An Egg For My Tea Meant that chickens were the first civilisations and the spawn of all others since
"......I know a lil song that'll get on yer nerves, [eh billy?] get on yer nerves get on yer nerves...."
"WWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Daniel sat up screaming. Jack was shaking him vigorously.
"Boy, some nightmare you were having. Remind me not to let you eat my Caesar salad again!"
"I think I'll go vege," Daniel confirmed as he rubbed his eyes. Shoving on his glasses snapped the two Jacks back into one clear image with a sigh.
"Right, but don't think I'll cook you anything special at my next BBQ!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The two men got up to leave.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Under the bed, a strange clucking laughing was heard.
"Suckers...."
THE END---------> Or IS it?
Well, yeah it is!
Dr. Who
by
Skip
TITLE: Dr. Who
AUTHOR: Skip
EMAIL: jackson4d@genie.co.uk
CATEGORY: Humor, Series
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: any; Second of Skip's Panto Fics
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: They survived the pantomime cow, but can SG-1 face the sonic screwdriver?
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yah for the mob, but Mish actually READ this one so this goes out to her.
Daniel: Um, this isn't really a pantomime per se...
Jack: Who cares?
Daniel: OK.
Doctor Who music.
Jack: Now Daniel Jackson was a doctor of Brainless Obelisks and Rhetoric In Netherworld Groups- old stuff and dead languages. This meant that he could put B.O.R.I.N.G after his name.
Daniel: Hey!
Teal'c: Was that intended to be funny, O'Neill?
Jack: Duh! So Daniel Jackson, B.O.R.I.N.G, had gotten his degree on a small planet called Abydos. The evil Master had taken his wife, Sha're and he was determined to get her back.
Daniel: Yeah, nobody messes with the Doc!
Sam: Um, is he OK?
Jack: I think he's been watching too much late night TV. Anyway, you're not in the story till later, go do something that involves lots of numbers.
Teal'c: I believe that Daniel Jackson wishes to go through the gate in search of his wife.
Jack: It's a TARDIS! Put your eyebrow down- it stands for Travelling Across Ranging Distances In a Stargate.
Sam: Really good sir! If you'd just put something about the physics of it-
Jack: But then it wouldn't be a Tardis! So Daniel went through the Tardis and came out on Earth. He met two guys there.
Teal'c: Greetings.
Sam: How come we're just two guys? Don't we deserve a special intro? How come Teal'c's on Earth?
Jack: OK, there was this robotic dog and another doctor. This one had gotten a degree in Science With Obscure Theories. So she was Samantha Carter, S.W.O.T
Daniel: Hey, I'm Dr. Daniel Jackson, you may have heard of me.
Teal'c: Doctor Who?
Jack: Stop groaning Sam. Anyhow, these guys had nothing to do, other than play golf and do equations, so they agreed to help him defeat the Master. Why they didn't go fishing...
Daniel: Jack! We're getting bored here!
Jack: OK, all right already! So the three of them jumped into the Tardis.
Sam: Wow! I think I'll write a thesis when I get home.
Daniel: How come Teal'c's wrapped in tin-foil?
Jack: I thought he'd be less freaky as K-9.
Pause.
Sam: Well, yeah.
Jack: When they got there, they were surrounded by lots of Daleks.
Teal'c: They are simply Jaffa wearing old-fashioned metal bins.
Daniel: How come you know about dustbins?
Teal'c: It is a hobby of mine.
Sam: O...Kaaayy.
Jack: Come on, it's just as weird as Daniel studying his culture.
Daniel: But... bins?
Jack: Meanwhile, the Daleks were pointing their staff-weapons through their bins... um armour.
Dalek/Jaffa 1: Exterminate-kree!
Daniel: Quick, run away!
Jack: Quick run away? You are supposed to be the big hero! Stand and fight, don't run away!
Sam: We are outnumbered sir.
Jack: Never stopped me.
Daniel: All I have is my sonic-dictionary (who thinks up these things?)
-I do-
Daniel: Oh.
Jack: Who said that?
Teal'c: Somebody with more time than sense.
Sam: Hey! I'm being shot at here!
Daniel: Hey, the scenery is just cardboard! We can hide behind it!
Jack: No fair! That's cheating!
Sam: So?
Jack: Of course, MGM would never have such cheap and unbelievable scenery.
Daniel: I don't think you'll get a pay rise for that.
Jack: Worth a try.
Apophis: Hah! Did you think you could hide in a dimensional rift?
Sam: See! It wasn't just a cheat.
Jack: But you didn't bother giving it a name.
Daniel; You would have just told her to stop waffling!
Jack: Wouldn't!
Daniel: Would!
Jack: Wouldn't!
Apophis: Excuse me, but I am in the middle of my evil gloating!
Teal'c: It will not work. O'Neill has made me watch this series, as well as Star Trek and Star Wars so that I will understand his references. You will gloat and then we will defeat you.
Apophis: Is that so?
Sam: Way to go Teal'c, now he won't tell us his evil plan and we will be doomed!
Teal'c: I just thought it would be more economical.
Jack: Teal'c you're supposed to be a dog.
Teal'c: Woof.
Apophis: I will chain you all to my wall as I consider a more fiendish way to dispose of you, buwahahahaha!
Daniel: Jack?
Jack: What?
Daniel: Do you think you could give us a bit of help? He's probably going to use his mind-ray to wipe my memories!
Jack: And?
Daniel: Jaaack!
Jack: OK. I'm not supposed to do this, especially after you cheated back there...
Sam: It wasn't cheating.
Jack: You've got to stay true to the period! Wobbly scenery and rubbish costumes alike!
Daniel: I wonder what sci-fi will be like in years to come...
Jack: So along comes this... um, swap-thing.
Maybourne: Glug.
Daniel: Jack!
Jack: Sorry, but that was the first alien I thought of... and Maybourne is slimy... so along comes this tree-person.
Nox woman: Hi!
Jack: And due to Danny's linguistic skills, Docs BORING and SWOT and their little chokes dog got free.
Sam: Cheers.
Teal'c: Woof.
Daniel: K9 could talk, couldn't he?
Jack: Yes, so long as he doesn't spoil the story again.
Teal'c: I will not let you down again.
Jack: You better believe it.
Apophis: Hah! Now I have you! Your mind will be destroyed by my ray gun and you will no longer be called BORING!
Sam: Don't think so.
She shoots Apophis, who drops the ribbon device.
Jack: Hey, the woman never saves the day!
Sam: We'll see about that!
Daniel: I think you better let her, she seems pretty mad to me.
Teal'c: I concur, Major Carter appears to be getting very angry.
Jack: So the BOR...
Sam: That is getting pretty old. Daniel, you coming for a drink?
Daniel: Sure, Teal'c, you can come too... when you've changed.
Jack: Hey! You can't do this! It's a classic! Guys? Oh, what the hell, I'll watch some hockey.
TV turns over.
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
by
Skip
TITLE: Goldilocks and the Three Bears
AUTHOR: Skip
EMAIL: jackson4d@genie.co.uk
CATEGORY: Humor, Series
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: 5; Part Four of Skip's Patno Fics
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: Someone really likes their porridge. And someone has a score to settle... Cue Monty Python music!
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I shoulda done the Classics homework, really. It was Mishkaz's fault. No.. OK it was jsc... No... Ah well. Yeah. OK I did it I admit it, now commit me.
Jack: NO!
Sam: You're going to have to. After you've finished, you can exact your revenge on Daniel.
Jack: But...
Sam: Think, nice, big sticks....
Jack: OK, but only because I get to see him in a dress.
Daniel: Jack!
Jack: Only fair, Danny-boy, only fair.
To the tune of Monty Python's 'I'm a Lumberjack.'
Jack: I'm air-force Jack
And I'm OK,
I gate all night
And I work all day.
SG-1:He's air-force Jack
And he's OK,
He gates all night
And he sleeps all day.
Jack:I sleep under trees,
MREs for lunch,
Get sent to purgatory
Every time I start talking
And have buttered scones for tea.
SG-1:He's air-force Jack
And he's OK,
He snores all night
And complains all day.
Jack:I moan about trees.
I skip and jump (this is going too far!)
I like to press wild flowers,
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
SG-1:He moans about trees,
He skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers,
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars!
He's air-force Jack
And he's OK,
He watches hockey all night,
And he fishes all day.
Jack:I moan about trees, (think of Daniel in a dress)
I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra,
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear papa. (too far, oh man, you are sooo gonna die!)
SG-1:He moans about trees,
Wears high heels?
Suspendies... and a bra?!
...He's air-force Jack
And he's O K A Y
He jokes all night
And he jokes all day.... Etc.
Sam: Well, that was... different.
Jack: Rubs his hands evily. Oh man Space Monkey! You are gonna pay dearly!
Daniel: Help!
Jack: There was once a little girl called Goldilocks, who wore a little frilly, sticky-out dress with plenty of lace and a corset.
Daniel: Jack! This is painful!
Jack: He had long, blond hair with lots of ribbons in it. Pink ribbons.
Sam: I think you're enjoying this waaayy too much, sir.
Jack: Hey, I had to wear suspenders!
Teal'c: And a bra.
Jack: Winces Don't remind me. So, this bratty little girl went for a walk in the woods. Go on, Goldy! Skip and sing!
Daniel: Lah, lah lah. Sings quietly and skips small steps.
Jack: I can't hear you!
Daniel: LAH, LAH, LAH! Loud enough?
Jack: Oh, yeah. So, there was these three bears, Daddy Bear:
Teal'c: Greetings.
Jack: Mummy Bear:
Sam: Hello.
Jack: And Baby Bear.
Cassie: Hi!
Daniel: Hi Cassie!
Sam: Do I really have to wear this bear suit?
Jack: Yes, I sang the song. Might I add that it looks very nice on you Carter?
Sam: You might...
Daniel: Come on guys! This corset really hurts!
Jack: So the bears were eating porridge, which Mummy Bear had cooked, but seeing as they were MREs, she didn't spoil them much.
Sam: Gee, thanks!
Jack: You're welcome. Seeing as it was taking so long, Daddy Bear lent a hand.
Teal'c: Here, my staff weapon will heat the porridge much faster.
Jack: Unfortunately the porridge was now too hot, so they went for a walk.
Teal'c: We will go for a walk.
Jack: Oh, thanks Teal'c!
Teal'c: You are welcome, O'Neill.
Sam: He was being sarcastic, Teal'c. Come on Cassie, let's take the dog for a walk.
Jack: Bears have dogs? So the bratty kid, who wouldn't do as his CO said, skipped into this big old house. Humming all the way.
Daniel: Ra, Hathor, Her'ur...
Jack: What was that?
Daniel: I used to sing it as a kid.
Jack: You really were messed up! Don't you think it's a bit inappropriate?
Daniel: Sorry.
Jack: He saw the three bowls of porridge and tried the big bowl first. It was a really big bowl and the porridge was really hot.
Daniel: Gee thanks! I really burnt myself!
Jack: You're welcome. Now, Mummy Bear experiments with liquid thingamabob....
Sam: Nitrogen.
Jack: Whatever. So he tried this bowl and it was really cold. I mean serious sub-zero.
Sam: You really did upset him.
Daniel: Mmmmm.
Sam: What?
Teal'c: It appears that Daniel Jackson's lips are stuck together.
Jack: Oh goody! No more culture speeches!
Sam: Are we going to finish the story with his lips frozen together?
Jack: Can we?
Hammond: No, I'm sorry but you need him to speak in a minute.
Jack: Dammit! So he eats Cassie's porridge and blah-di-blah-di-blah. Then he sees three chairs, and goes to sit on Daddy Bear's. Unfortunately, it was too high and he fell to the floor.
Daniel: Ouch! That wasn't in the story!
Jack: Is now. When he gets there, it is a really uncomfortable orthopaedic chair, like those we have in the briefing rooms.
Daniel: My back!
Jack: He falls out again and tries Mummy Bear's chair. This one is very soft and he is almost suffocated by it.
Daniel: Mmmmffff!
Jack: He falls out again and sits on Cassie's chair. Seeing as he is a big girl, he breaks the chair and gets lots of splinters.
Sam: Oooohhh! You can be really nasty!
Jack: You know how painful suspenders and bras can be!
Sam: Yeah...
Teal'c: I agree.
Sam: Teal'c?
Teal'c: It was in another pantomime.
Sam: Dr. Fraiser is really gonna have her hands full. She's not gonna like you.
Jack: So Goldy goes up the stairs, as he is very tired.
Daniel: Jack... I can't move!
Jack: Take him upstairs and throw him on the nail bed.
Daniel: Aaarrrggh! How come Teal'c has a nail bed?
Teal'c: To aid in meditation.
Jack: And after that, no, we'll miss your bed out Carter, he's passed out. Put him on the hospital bed. You know, the one we always carry in case of emergencies.
Frasier: What have you been up to now? You're not even off world! Colonel, can't I trust you to look after him for five minutes?
Jack: Ummm...
Frasier: Look! All Cassie's food is gone! And you broke her chair! Can't you look after her properly?
Jack: But Doc!
Frasier: Don't you 'But Doc' me! Hits him repeatedly with a chair leg. You can come and help in the med-bay. Sam, look after Cassie for me, I've got to deal with these two kids.
Sam: Come on Teal'c, it's past her bedtime. Next time we do a Panto, I'm narrating, I'm fed up with those two prattling on.
Cassie: Sam, why is Uncle Daniel wearing a dress?
THE END.
Hands and Feet
by
Skip
Title: Hands and Feet
Author: Skip.
Email: jackson4d@genie.co.uk
Rating: PG- some Danny/Jack whumpin', mild bad language.
Season: 2
Spoilers: Nothing major- I think.
Summary: Daniel and Jack get marooned in a cave system by bad weather. They meet up with some scaly monsters, but is that all there is to it?
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and all it's characters are the property of
Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was not written for any financial gain and no copyright was intentionally infringed. If you like, please say so! I would be happy to let anyone archive this, though please ask first.
Thanks: Tons of thanks go to Jb for convincing me that I can write and for generally being a great person and also to Skydiver, my excellent beta reader without who none of this would exist. Thanks!
Daniel awoke with a start. He didn't recognise this place at all and that was never a good sign.
"Jack?" that was usually the best bet, "Carter? Teal'c?" No response. He forced himself to breathe slowly, hyperventilating wouldn't do him any favours, he reckoned. Then, a sound he knew... but couldn't quite place. Boots! Boots. Which meant that one of his team members, or at least someone with the SGC was coming. He hoped. Colonel Jack O'Neill ducked his head to enter the cave. He pulled the woolly hood of his parka down to reveal his pink face, burned by snow.
"Hey Buddy Boy, up bright and early as ever," Jack quipped as he threw his pack onto the ground and lowered himself to the floor.
"Where on Earth are we?"
"Uh, uh, not Earth. P4X-somethin' or other. Geez, you musta hit your head harder than I thought."
"I hit my head?"
"Yup. You just wandered off in search of god-knows-what, slipped on the ice and cracked your linguistically minded skull."
Daniel blushed vividly. Great. Chalk another one up for the clutz. Jack never gave up the chance of a jibe, "Where are Carter and Teal'c?"
"They've gone off to the town. Since we're on friendly terms with the locals, they've got free rein."
"And you got elected to follow me on a scientific field-hunt."
"Aw, Danny Boy, I practically volunteered," his face looked pained, "Besides, I drew the short straw," his grin returned.
Daniel eased himself onto his elbows, grimacing, as the events of the previous night became apparent. Jack had obviously dragged him into this cave and dossed down, writing the day off. Jack wouldn't mention it, aside from his constant half-joking pokes, but Daniel was probably the biggest time consumer of them all.
"Well, gather yourself up, I've had enough sight-seeing for one day."
'Thank god he's OK,' Jack thought. 'He had me worried for a bit. Naw, Daniel's come through worse, geez he's almost indestructible. Almost'. One of these days Lady Luck gonna get fed up with the kid. Jack couldn't help but feel that any injury his team sustained was his fault. He saw the apology in Daniel's eyes; 'He really can't help himself can he, but all the apologies in the world won't make him think twice next time.'
'Hmm, the natives, the H'ruthgir, said there was a monster in the wilderness,' Daniel thought. It might have been the cause of much local and earth-bound folklore. He had only mentioned this in passing to Jack who'd been down right sceptical about the whole thing, adding that the word 'monster' does not usually mean 'cute, cuddly, misunderstood critter.' After all they'd been through you'd think Jack would have learned that most all myths have some basis in fact. Sulking, he'd proposed a search for the ancient ruins out in the wilderness instead. Jack had allowed this, maybe because repeated refusal made for bad team spirit. Daniel hadn't just been thinking about ruins, he knew that monsters had to live somewhere...
***
A storm was coming on, why hadn't he planned for this? He radioed Sam and Teal'c, letting them know they'd be longer than expected and incommunicado for a while. He'd assured them that he and Daniel would be fine, but he didn't know how long he could stay sane sitting in a small cavern with Daniel. The kid had been slightly disappointed; his treasure hunt was going to have to wait. He'd also been pleased too, Jack didn't know why, but figured it didn't matter much anyway and if it did, he'd probably hear nothing else over the next few days.
"This looks as good a place as any," Jack commented, throwing a weary eye over the emergency shelter that had been cut into the rock-face millennia ago.
"Yes, I can look at the inscriptions over there, they look like cave paintings."
"Well, since they're in a cave..." Jack's eyebrow went up in response to Jackson's angry glare, "OK, all right, all right already. Some people just can't take a joke," he mumbled to himself.
Daniel unpacked his kit in a hurry, eager to decipher the glyphs. Words had always fascinated him. They had been his only solace as he was shifted from foster parents to foster parents. He could lose himself in the magical world of books. When he'd learned that there were more languages, more writings and tongues, his heart had jumped. He'd found his niche and curled up comfortably in it.
"So, what's it mean?" Jack too had finished unpacking and was staring in mild curiosity at the marks.
"Um, I don't know yet, I kinda recognise the form, but it's evolved slightly, the verbs..."
"I don't want the textbook version Daniel, the simple, 'Hi, I was here,' or 'I think the temple priestess is really hot,' would suffice."
He looked at the older man's face, realised that he wasn't being very sociable and compromised, "Uh, it says, 'Something, something, near to this place, um, probably fire, something, advice.',"he concluded, evidently satisfied.
Jack looked at him expectantly and when no more was forthcoming swept his arms wide and cocked his head.
"I can't make out the rest, the syntax..."
"Bad boy, I thought we were going to leave out all the meaningless words," he turned, sat on a rock facing away from him and began to strip and clean his gun.
"Meaningless words," Daniel snorted angrily and returned to his work.
***
It was a little before dawn when he awoke. He saw Jack looking out through the sleet at the horizon. He closed his eyes again, unwilling to intrude.
"Wakey-wakey, rise and shine," Jack chortled. Daniel groaned quietly. He could never sleep in around Jack. He swore his friend had ears in the back of his head.
"Is it letting up yet?"
"Nope."
Daniel settled his glasses on his nose, wincing at the cool sting of the metal.
"Have you decoded the message and found out the secret to eternal life yet?"
"Nope."
"Well, guess you can't have it all." Jack turned to face him then. His eyes were shadowed, making Daniel wonder how long he'd been awake, "I figure we can make it to that cave system over there," he gestured broadly, "The one with the extensive tunnel system you seemed so interested in looking at."
Daniel realised that Jack had been planning that all along and that this had been a brief interlude to gather their strength. Seeing the excitement in his friend's eyes, Jack added, "But only if you stick close to me and do as you're told!"
***
Oh, this was fun, battling against gale, no, typhoon force winds. His only comfort was that Jack was having a harder time shifting his broader frame, enlarged with a heavier pack. 'And he's breaking the wind for me.' This was hell. 'Give me nice, warm Abydos any day!'
"Not much farther!" O'Neill could really shout, but his booming voice was all but carried away by the wind, "Don't worry, I hold you completely responsible for all of this!"
***
That was better, heat, glorious heat. O'Neill had lit the stove to warm the area up, dismissing that they really should be rationing the sterno. He made a strong, very strong cup of coffee, but not for himself. Daniel swallowed it in huge gulps, not waiting for it to cool down. Halfway through he realised Jack didn't have any and offered the cup to O'Neill.
"I'll pass, we gotta mind our supplies. I'd give ya chocolate, but that's for emergencies only."
Daniel nodded silently; thanking the colonel for his concessions.
"I was thinking we go looking down that tunnel first," he gestured to what looked to be the best kept tunnel, "Any artefacts will be in better condition."
"Good, I was hoping you'd say that, I don't want to go down any darkly-lit spooky tunnels. Let's confine the cliches to late night horror movies."
Daniel smiled inwardly at this comment; O'Neill's brevity was beginning to get to him.
***
Deep in the tunnels, something moved, stirred by the presence of the two Tau'ri. It moved its grotesque head to scent the air. Good, it would feast well tonight.
***
Jack was bored.In contrast, Daniel was scampering off in delight at the sight of some new thing like a big kid. 'Well, at least nothing bad is happening, yet.' He thought wryly, not wanting to tempt fate.
"So, does this mean anything whatsoever to you?" Jack asked, willing to endure a lecture in place of silence. Maybe it'd keep him awake.
"Um, yeah, I think I'm getting there, this says...Um, some imperative, um, fear, fire and sentinel, or maybe guardian... I'll have to think about that, this little symbol may regulate it in some way, maybe plural..."
"Sentinel, like, some bad thing needs protecting?"
"Possibly, also something sacred or holy from infidels?"
"Hey. If it's a holy place, maybe we can ask the local deities for some better weather?"
***
The voices were echoing along the corridor, disturbing the peace. The creature stirred again. It had not eaten in a long, long time. Its mouth watered in anticipation.
***
Daniel saw it first, over Jack's shoulder. It was a huge lumbering beast, red and covered in leathery hide. Jack read the fear in his eyes and whirled, but was floored by a massive paw. He cried out, but did not drop his gun. The mark of a true professional.Daniel froze, disbelief muting his instinct to act. He almost didn't see the huge clubbed tail as it whipped round and smacked him firmly on the jaw. Jack was up and firing by then, and the monster turned his head to face him.
What the? A huge blur of white, rushing towards the entangled pair. There were two creatures in this cave, and the second one was attacking the first. This one was only seven feet high and Daniel's head spun with the perspective, the red thing stood more than seven foot at the shoulder, it shambled about on all fours, using it's vastly superior body weight to pin Jack helplessly to the cave floor.
"Goddammit Daniel, get this thing offa me!" Jack croaked.
The creature had its massive paw on his chest; the razor sharp ebony nails mere inches from his vulnerable throat. The white creature sunk its teeth into the monstrosity's neck, distracting it. It turned to remove the distraction inadvertently freeing the suffocating colonel. Ignoring the stabbing pain in his chest, Jack dashed forward to yank at the claw that pinned the white beast's tail to the floor.
"Daniel," he wheezed, "Give us a hand!"
Daniel shook himself from his daze and grabbed the clubbed tail. 'Harder than I thought!' He was almost lifted off of his feet by the sheer power when it whipped it almost idly. He felt like a very tiny mouse attacking an extremely large...and angry cat.
'Hurry up Jack!'
Seeming to lose interest in its prospective meal, the fiend lurched violently, throwing off its tormentors and lumbered down the dark tunnel Jack had not wanted to explore.
"Are you OK?"
"I'm fine, how are you?"
"Bruised," Jack admitted.
His attention switched to the creature that was regarding them with cautious interest. It stood about seven feet high at the top of its arcing neck, but Jack supposed that if it stretched out fully, it would be at least a foot taller.
Its head was long and aquiline, like the romanticised pictures of dragons that neopagans adored.It held two flaring nostrils and two huge black orbs under a heavy brow, which arched into strong, yet delicate horns. It stood on two immensely strong back legs and had two tiny forearms, much like the skeletons of Tyrannosaurus Rex he'd seen. As he slowly looked at it, he wondered what kind of kick those awkward bird-like legs could muster. Awkward only because if O'Neill's knees ever bent backwards like that, he hoped he'd be unconscious at the time.
Aware that he could be risking a blow from those limbs, he slowly spread his arms wide and smiled without showing his teeth. 'Little trick I learned off you Danny, hope it works.'
"Can you understand me?"
The creature rumbled and swayed uncertainly, hiding its tail from view. Jack noticed the deep claw marks before it did though and decided to show some friendship, "Daniel, get the salve from the med-kit, slowly."
Daniel did as he was bade and passed it to him. Jack unscrewed the lid, keeping eye contact as he did, "Now don't flinch," he told Daniel as he applied some of the salve to the cut on his temple.
Then, ever so slowly, Jack walked around the wary beast till he arrived at the tail. Waiting to give it time to move away, he leaned forwards and applied the salve to the lacerations. The opalescent skin was cruelly torn and Jack was careful not to hurt the creature. The beast harrumphed slightly, but as the pain deadened, it quieted. Then, all the while staring the colonel in the eye, it dipped a huge talon into the small pot and drew it across the gash on Jack's shoulder where the beast had torn through the cloth.
Jack struggled not to draw a breath as the talon unintentionally drew fresh blood from his wound. The creature, (dragon?) sensed this and ceased its ministrations. Seemingly satisfied it slunk across the chamber and lay down in front of Daniel's inscriptions.
"What the hell was that?" Daniel whispered. Usually he made first contact.
"We've made a new friend," Jack said, turning to face the tunnel down which their attacker had fled and settled down for guard duty.
***
What strange creatures they are! Not at all like the H'ruthgir, they had always been brightly coloured, with light hair and eyes. These must be a different race, they are the same colour and they look very alike. They have strange customs, which hurt the taller one, though he hid it well. It healed me. Why does it sit up all night? Does it fear the return of the fiery one? Does it not know I am watching? My tail hurts again, I will see if the taller one can cure it. I hope it is not the healing process that hurts it.
***
Jack cautiously eyes the creature as it shifted to its feet and started towards him. 'Now what?Danny's the linguist, I made terrible mistakes before, looking it in the eye... yet it seems to like me...'
"Hey," Jack knew it probably couldn't understand him, but it made him feel better. The (dragon? Can I call it that?) cocked his head at him and settled down on its haunches. After scanning his face for several seconds, it swung its tail into his lap, deciding to trust him.
"What? You want more salve?" he reached into his pocket for the tub and slathered a large amount into the three gaping holes. After a second's thought, he pulled out a field dressing and bound the tail too.
"There!"
It only took a second, but the big man found himself on his knees without knowing how he got there. The dragon was balancing on the thickest part of his tail, its front paws resting gently on its lap. The huge clawed feet were stretched up to his shoulders, pulling his head gently forwards.
"Whu?"
The huge head had drawn so close to his that the endless pools of its eyes threatened to drown Jack. He breathed deeply, terribly aware of the vulnerability of the position and the pain in his damaged ribcage. He noticed that his partner was doing the same, taking great, whuffing gulps of air and then scenting Jack carefully, almost tenderly. It touched its armoured brow to O'Neill's own astonished one and then released him. The colonel rocked gently on his knees as the dragon gracefully made its way back to its resting-place on all fours, putting little weight on the delicate front limbs. O'Neill decided that with that thing as his guard dog, he could probably get some shut-eye and settled into his sleeping bag next to Daniel.
***
The colonel was oddly subdued the next morning and his quirky remarks were almost half-hearted. Almost, but not quite, "You finished the crossword yet? Tell us what letters you've got and Draco and I can figure it out."
"Draco? You've named it?"
"Sure, I can't refer to it as "That Thing" all day now can I?"
Daniel knew the colonel's habit of struggling, or not trying with names and was about to contradict him when Draco lunged over to see what he was doing. When he saw that Daniel was at work trying to decipher the writings, it grew very excited and snorted over Daniel's hair, ruffling it further.
"See, it's already picked up my characteristics!" Jack laughed.
"Bad habits more like. Do you understand this Draco?"
"How can he answer you?"
"Right," Daniel muttered absentmindedly and began to draw crude ideograms in the dirt.
They can write the blessed communication! Our people will be able to confer after all!
Draco hunched down and drew a symbol Jack recognised from the other cave, "Hey, isn't that..."
"The Sentinel, yes. I wonder why he'd draw that?"
Jack mused on how readily Daniel had applied gender to this being, but decided not to go into the psychology of it, yet.
"Well, write back to him," he suggested. "Ask him what he's doing here."
What do you in the place? Wrote Daniel, struggling a little with the language.
Sentinel, guard the old place, and guard the fire-demon.
"What did he say?" Daniel spoke the words aloud to Jack.
"Ask him where he comes from."
From the high waste (plural). Have waited for H'ruthgir sentinel. You have come to relieve me?
"Relieve you?" Daniel wrote furiously, speaking as he did so, "Come (plural) in Stargate, circle of fire. Come seek H'ruthgir, friend (plural)."
Come through Circle of Blue Fire? Are not creatures with lit eye?
"Goa'ulds?" Jack lowered his brow, "So they beat us to it."
"Probably by a few millennia. "No, do be my (plural) enemy. Do kill my friend (plural)."
Then truly are friend (plural) of Whip-Tail (plural).
"Whip-Tail, must be the H'ruthgir name for them? Ask him what his name is?"
Did call me Lizard-of-Sky.
"So Draco it is then."
***
'How can he do that? How can he talk to an overgrown lizard in an ancient tongue and make it seem like he's been doing it all his life?'
They had learnt a lot from each other. Draco had told them of a time long past, when H'ruthgir elders had first spoken to his people in the Blessed communication.
The two peoples had worked together in peace. Jack found this hard to believe, as two races so different usually ended up killing one another. Then the Goa'uld had come through the 'Gate and demanded subservience. The United Races had not proven strong enough, they had driven back the first wave, yet feared another and had eventually decided to cut their losses.
The Whip-Tail people lived a very long time and so their history went further back than that of their partners. They had spoken of a time long ago when they had not lived here. A meeting was held and it was decided that they should escape through the very harbinger of their destruction. The Stargate. In this way, the two races left.
Draco was meant to accompany the others, with another of his kind. They had come to the caves to gather the last of their belongings, but the Goa'uld had not left them completely alone, the fire-beast had been released to wreak havoc and had killed Draco's companion, the one who knew how to work the 'Gate and the co-ordinates of the exodus. In mourning, Draco had decided to prevent any more deaths by this creature's hands, as he could not take the people through without this knowledge. He had hibernated here, listening and watching until he was needed.
"So you've been here ever since?"
Yes. You (plural) must leave as soon as snowfall stops.
"I can't do that," Jack instructed Daniel to write, "Why don't we kill it?"
Cannot. Friend was stronger than me, but was killed all the same.
"He didn't have back-up with guns though."
Daniel struggled to explain 'gun' with his limited vocabulary and settled for 'fire-stick-which-kills.' He had also tried to ask Draco what sex he was, at Jack's request. The written language did not have separate concepts of gender, the closest thing he could do was to ask if Draco was a priestess or not. Draco had said no, but this might just mean that he was not a religious leader, or that he didn't recognise the different sexes in humans.
'Maybe they don't have two separate sexes?' In the end, they'd decided to refer to Draco as male.
Can hurt fire-demon?
"Hell yes!"
Daniel related this to the overjoyed Whip-tail, who had insisted that they do so now. Jack refused, saying they needed their strength for this and that they should get a good night's sleep beforehand. Daniel agreed with him on that. If they were going to take on that beast, they would need all the strength they had and possibly an anti-aircraft device too.
***
These creatures are strange, they hold immense powers. The tall one does not use the Communication, perhaps it understands it, but will not dirty its claws writing in the mud. It is clearly a great mage; the one with large eyes is his apprentice. He was surprised that I performed the ritual of clan-thanks, maybe I have offended him? He wishes to wait before we kill the demon, perhaps to prepare a strong spell? I did not know that those like the H'ruthgir could perform such tricks. If we defeat the demon then, I will be able to protect the H'ruthgir again. Maybe one day I will lead them through the circle to their clans.
***
"What's up?" Daniel sat up, his sleeping bag drawn tight around his neck to keep him warm.
"Nothing, just thinking."
"Thinking... 'How come I always get into situations like this?'?"
Jack smiled, but didn't face him, "Hey, I tell the jokes around here, you do the communicating."
"You didn't think about that last night."
Jack whirled on him, stung, "You were watching?"
Daniel shrugged, "I couldn't sleep. Draco trusts you."
"Sure as hell didn't feel like that last night."
"Jack, you've got to think from his point of view, step inside his body. His tail and his legs are his weapons; he was in a very vulnerable position. He can't kneel, which would be our equivalent, you can't run away from either position."
"Those nasty looking claws were awful close to my neck."
"Jack, he was hugging you, he wouldn't be able to get any leverage like that."
"You sure?"
"Sure, you've just got to look at it from an anatomical point of view."
They were silent after that. Jack sat thinking about Daniel's words, about how you were showing you were unarmed when you shook hands. He wondered how many rituals the shape of your body could explain.
***
"Get up sleepyhead. I should just tape my voice and plug it into an alarm-clock, it'd save time."
Daniel sat up, pulling his glasses on. 'Oh, how predictable'. "What time is it?"
"Time we went to bag us-selves a beaut."
You (plural) are ready for battle? I will go for the throat, use your fire-sticks and spells as I hold it still.
"Sounds good to me."
"Let's see if the horror genre really is right," Jack quipped, walking backwards through the tunnel with exaggerated steps, "Oh, let's split up!"
'It's here, somewhere. Wonder if it can smell us?'
Daniel hated days like this. He'd wanted to find a monster, but not so close. Be careful what you wish for.
Jack gestured to the other half of SG-1, the other half that was facing certain death at the hands of a huge dinosaur. 'Hang on, had he hit on something? Wasn't that clubbed tail somehow familiar?' He'd quiz Daniel later. 'Wonder what Carter and Teal'c are up to?' They were close now; Draco's nostrils flared violently and he swung his aquiline head around on his swan-like neck to face them.
"Nearly there," the colonel mouthed, "You take the right flank."
The linguist nodded his comprehension and struggled to calm himself down. O'Neill had been quite clear about his role in the assault, "Stay the hell out of the way unless I tell you otherwise and lay down covering fire, be careful not to hit me or Draco."
Daniel was not the best shot of the pair. 'Please let this be all right.' They arrived at the cavern where the beast had spent its time. Jack didn't think they could take it by surprise, but they could try. Draco went first, head snapping about, trying to locate with his eyes what he already knew with his nose. Jack went through next, carefully swinging the barrel of his gun round in a large arc. Daniel was about to step up to the doorway when it pounced, from a ledge above the entrance, its bulk blocking Daniel's path.
Jack was once again knocked to the ground by the creature. 'I'm getting old, suckered by an extinct prehistoric brute with a brain the size of a walnut.' His gun had fallen by his side and was crushed easily by the fiend's paw. 'Thank God that wasn't my head!' Draco was tackling the beast now, going for the throat. The huge tail caught him firmly on the jaw and sent him sprawling. The lizard's head impacted with the smooth rock wall, snapping his neck back. Draco fell, senseless, to the floor. 'Oh shit!'
"Daniel! Daniel, go get help, see if the radio works!" Jack knew he was a lost cause, there was only one firearm and Daniel was wielding that one. If Teal'c and Sam could get here, maybe Daniel would be safe.
Daniel heard Jack's voice and struggled for a second, he couldn't leave him to tackle this thing alone. They'd chosen to attack it now, rather than wait for it to come for them, but something was wrong. He was more use to his friend alive, so he fled down the passage way as fast as he could.
***
'Oh, no. Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could you let it do this!' Jack was pinned against the wall, struggling to draw his breath as his injured rib-cage was pressed harder and harder. His eyes closed as the foul-smelling face was pressed next to his own.
"What's the matter, little one? Does this hurt?" Jack's eyes reopened to stare at the monster. It twisted its paw and dug its filthy claws in further, "Surprised I can talk?"
"Ye, yeah. You weren't exactly open to discussion the last time," he quipped.
"I can speak when I want. The Goa'uld gave me this power. I heard you talking to this scum before." He gestured towards the silent Draco. "So you hate my masters, eh? You would kill them?" the voice was a deep, rumbling drawl.
"I've never liked snakes, they never stand up for themselves, I suppose it's their lack of legs."
"Humour will not save you," he twisted his claws again, watching the soldier grimace in pain. "However, if you take me to the 'Gate, I will spare you and your accomplice, the human one. I may even put in a good word for you to bear a Goa'uld larva."
"I wouldn't have one of those things in me for love nor money," Jack spat angrily.
"As you wish. I think I will kill you first, when that poor excuse for a creature wakes up. I want to see the look in its eyes when it knows I have killed two of its clan brothers."
'Clan brothers? Was that what that ceremonial crap was all about?' Grateful for the momentary reprieve, he glared at the monster. Jack could barely breathe, let alone stand, so he fell to the floor. Draco was pinned underfoot as the huge beast waited. 'Don't wake up yet; let Daniel get the others here!'
***
"Get here now! Jack's in big trouble!" Daniel too was panting, though through the effort of running.
"We're on our way," that was Major Carter, her voice was worried, but she didn't waste time asking too many questions. The line was breaking up again, due to the heavy interference. It was a miracle he'd managed to get through at all. 'Some local deity watching over us. I hope Jack doesn't blaspheme too much and get us in his bad books.'
***
'What in the world have they gotten themselves into this time?' Samantha Carter was sitting in the back of a sled. She had wanted to rush off immediately, but Teal'c had explained that they would need guides and that they wouldn't get there in time on foot, 'Stupid, should have thought of that.'
It had all been going so well, the natives were a friendly bunch, none of them could remember any other traffic through the 'Gate and they'd seemed amiable. They weren't technologically advanced, but the local flora and fauna may have been of use. Dr. Fraiser would be ecstatic when she heard of the natural properties of some of them. But, boys will be boys and Jackson and O'Neill had tripped up again. She hoped that one day, just one day, they could find a planet where nothing would go wrong, that even Daniel wouldn't be allergic to it. Ain't gonna happen.
***
Teal'c was also deep in thought. He feared for his comrades' safety, but took comfort in the fact that they could usually take care of themselves. The sleds were making good progress, the shaggy beasts drawing them seemed untaxed by their load. 'Daniel Jackson, hold on. We will arrive soon.'
***
Daniel Jackson was not awaiting their arrival; he had piled some rocks at the cave entrance to indicate his position and then left a trail of smaller stones, leading into the dilapidated tunnel. 'Hold on Jack, they're coming, I'm coming.' He set off quietly to rescue his CO.
***
Jack was holding on. He was holding onto consciousness. The air in his chest was burning him, but moving his torso was excruciatingly painful. Draco had been severely injured. He had stirred little and the disfigured creature guarding it was growing restless.
"I have been asleep for many years. You awakened me and for this I am grateful. Which planet are you from?"
"Ah, ah-ha. If you think I'll tell you so you can go and ruin my world? You wouldn't be able to anyway. Our gate is protected and only those I choose can pass through it to my world."
"So your friend cannot return home? I think not. I will hunt him down and go through with him, then I will not be destroyed."
"He'll die first."
"That is possible."
Jack looked away; he didn't want this thing to go after Daniel. Then at least one of them could warn people. Maybe evacuate the area if possible. He wondered if this monster could be brought down at all.
"Anybody ever tell you that you look great in red?"
The beast replied to this with a swish of its clubbed tail, cracking O'Neill's jaw in half. He decided to cut his losses and quit the wise-ass remarks for a while.
'It is here. I can feel it. Is it safe to move, I wonder?'
Draco opened one eye and saw O'Neill propped up against a wall. His nemesis was in his way, his huge back to Draco. 'I have you now, demon, no one offends my clan!'
With a huge snarl, Draco pounced, clamping his claws into the tender, scaly back.
"Fool! This will not help!" the demon growled something unintelligible, which O'Neill supposed Draco understood, for he dug his claws in all the more and rattled out something guttural in response.
Daniel chose this moment to enter; seeing the commotion he drew his pistol and fired at the Goa'ulds' slave. The thing roared in pain as its foot was shot and lashed its tail in fury. The pistol was swiped out of his hands and out of reach. Hopeless, he shouted, "Jack!"
"I'm here," the voice was small, unlike his usual deep, sardonic drawl. 'He must be hurt worse than I thought.'
"What should I do?"
"Get the hell outta here," Jack leaned forwards, centimetre by painful centimetre. His fingers closed around the pistol grip and he fired into the beast's underside. His head was getting light as the pain bit deeper: 'Worse things happen at sea', he thought. Enraged, the beast lowered its head and picked him up in his jaws, huge teeth cutting into his wounded right shoulder. Screaming defiance, Jack used his free hand to fire at the monster's chest.
***
Teal'c heard the shots ring out and somehow forced himself to go faster. Carter was having a difficult time and had long ago given up trying to keep up. He found himself in the huge cavern in time to see Daniel Jackson lifted five feet into the air, as if he were a rag-doll. He raised his zatnikatel and discharged it into the back of the writhing mass ahead of him.
The red Garken, for he recognised it from his years of service to Apophis, shuddered and its jaw slackened, dropping an unconscious and twitching O'Neill to the floor. The white lizard atop the Garken struggled to retain its grip as it convulsed. Teal'c was about to fire again when Daniel cried out, "Stop! You'll kill him!"
Teal'c took this to mean the white creature, for Jackson had surely seen the colonel fall. Sam Carter arrived then, breathlessly she looked to Teal'c.
"The red creature attacked O'Neill."
Without any further say, she emptied her clip into the Garken. Draco sensing imminent victory sprang away. Teal'c, seeing no problem, pointed his zat again and did not stop firing until the Garken was gone.
***
"You must stay still," Teal'c was restraining the colonel as Sam bound his ribs.
"You could be a little more considerate," he snarled back, but quietly.
Daniel was tending to Draco's wounds, who did not squirm, but crouched patiently.
Will clan-brother be all right? He scrawled on the floor.
Yes, will hurt for some passage of time.
Did fail him. Did swear protection on he that heals and helps me.
No, not fail. Is still drawing of the breath.
Does forgive Lizard-of-Sky?
Does, is thankful. Is (plural) thankful.
This seemed to appease Draco and he settled again, casting worried glances in O'Neill's direction. When Sam had bound his shoulder and chest, he insisted that Teal'c help him to his feet. He painfully limped over to Draco, "Hey, buddy," he turned to Daniel, "Talk me through how to write what I want to say to him."
Slowly and carefully, Jack wrote: How are you?
Lizard-of-Sky is well. Does clan-brother forgive him?
There is nothing to forgive, brother.
Do accept ritual of thanks then?
Do accept and thank. Would like to return gesture as our clan does.
Am ready.
Wincing at the pain, Jack, took the huge clawed hand and shook it. Then he embraced the beast, looking long into his eyes.
Must go back through Circle-of-Blue-Fire. Daniel wrote. Will search your clan and tell him (plural) of you. Will meet them again.
Will look after clan-brother? You (plural) clan brother now. Will help when needed. Need only ask.
Thanks onto your clan.
Draco returned to the village with them. Sam roughly explained the situation and apologised that they could not stay any longer because they must tend to their wounded. She did so out of O'Neill's earshot though. Draco was fondly welcomed by the people, who said they hoped their relatives would return some day. As the team returned to the Stargate, Daniel reflected upon the cultural differences he'd encountered. The H'ruthgir had no word for woman, they believed both sexes were equal and any definition needed was found in the name. They had a separate word to make things plural, time consuming to say the least. He also wondered at the acceptance of two peoples who long ago had cast their differences aside and worked around the problem of differently formed vocal chords. He thought of Jack, who'd made a friend despite the variations on their hands and feet.
The Giant's Clever Wife
by
Skip
TITLE: The Giant's Clever Wife
AUTHOR: Skip
EMAIL: jackson4d@genie.co.uk
CATEGORY: Humor, Series
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: Part Five proper of Skip's Panto Fics
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: And Daniel got out the old story book and spake thusly:
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors. The original story is traditional, so I haven't stolen it.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Uhm... yeah this was weird. Why did I do an obscure one... I don't know and I did it so....
And Asmiley:
NO THERE WILL BE NO MORE lol.
Just getting it down one more time. But rules are meant to be broken...
Jack: Who's brilliant idea was this?
Daniel: Well, we've done loads of Pantos and stuff from other cultures, so we decided to do an Irish one. Plus it means that Sam gets to save the day and we get to embarrass you.
Jack: Hey! This isn't fair!
Daniel: Remember 'Goldilocks'?
Jack: Snigger Yeah.
Daniel: You will pay. Evil laugh.
Daniel: Finn McCoul was a giant who lived in the north of Ireland, long, long ago. He was building a causeway to Scotland, but never got it finished. Sounds like someone I know...
Jack: Hey! And making it an Irish story doesn't soften me up any. You read altogether too many books.
Daniel: Do not. So, he was going home one day to see his wife Oonagh.
Sam: Oonagh? Not only am I married to him and a giant, but Oonagh!?
Daniel: This story proves women's intellectual superiority.
Jack: Whose side are you on?
Sam: Well, can I be called Sam?
Daniel: OK. Jack, we won't call you Finn.
Jack: Good.
Teal'c: Am I still to be called Cucullin?
Daniel: No, it's easier this way.
Teal'c: You still require me to dress in a kilt?
Daniel: Um... kilts are Scottish...
Teal'c: Then I will change.
Daniel: OK, but make it quick.
Jack: Danny?
Daniel: Yes Jack?
Jack: Was he wearing a tam 'o' shanter and an orange wig?
Daniel: How did you guess? So Jack got home and his wife greeted him with a big kiss.
Sam: Do I have to?
Jack: Hey, I'm not that bad!
Sam: But in public as well...
Daniel: It says so in the book...
Sam: Urrgh....
Jack: Oh, come on! It's not like I'm Samuels or Apophis, for cryin' out loud!
Sam: It's pleased I am to see you... It's pleased I am to see you?
Daniel: Don't mock the lingo.
Sam: Sheesh! Sit down and eat the fine food I've ready for you.
Jack: Um... do I have to?
Daniel: Yes! She had to kiss you! So Jack ate twenty eggs, a whole oxen, fifty cabbages, a great pile of loaves and a bowl of froot loops.
Jack: If that was meant to be funny...
Teal'c: Is this attire more appropriate?
Daniel: Um... you really didn't have to wear all that...
Jack: What? What? I can't see!
Daniel: You will soon enough, but you'll wish you hadn't. He's wearing $^&;'#@#/ (this has been edited as it is completely unprintable, plus whatever you can come up with can only be incredibly worse- Author.)
Jack: OK.
Sam: Yeah, sure.
Teal'c: Is this not correct?
Daniel: Don't change! It might get worse! So they ate and talked, but Jack was worried.
Sam: Would ya mind telling me why you've got your thumb in your mouth?
Jack: My special tooth warns me of danger. What?
Daniel: Are you sure you haven't just put it there to suck it?
Jack: Why you little.... No, it's magic all right. Just wait till I stick it in your eye....Grr...
Daniel: What was that, Jack?
Jack: Grrrr...
Sam: What is wrong, pumpkin? Pumpkin?!
Jack: It is himself coming. Cucullin, erm, Teal'c. He that carries a thunderbolt with him.
Sam: Sure and you've beaten other giants, my fine husband...
Jack: Daniel, next time you get to be Teal'c's wife, or husband... ohh, I can see it now...So, Teal'c who can shake the country with the stamp of his foot. I'll be disgraced if I can't beat him. Yeah, like I'm really gonna tackle Teal'c!
Sam: Right, I'm cutting out the next few lines as they're too embarrassing.
Daniel: OK, I know when I'm beat...
Jack: Just wait till I start beating you... Goldilocks will look like a holiday resort.
Daniel: Well, suffice it to say, Sam came up with a plan while Jack played look out.
Jack: He's here!
Teal'c: Greetings, O'Neill.
Jack: You're not supposed to see me!
Teal'c: But you are indeed visible.
Jack: Pretend I'm not!
Teal'c: Oh, I cannot see anything, especially not Colonel O'Neill.
Daniel: Right, so as Teal'c approached with his magic forefinger, Sam prepared her deception.
Sam: Come on Jack! Just put the bonnet on!
Jack: NO!
Sam: Remember what you did with the chairs... you can whump him more soon...
Daniel: Giggle So Sam dressed him up and put him in the cot with a bottle.
Jack: Mumpphh!
Daniel: She gave three long whistles, a sign that strangers are welcome and sure enough, there was a knock like thunder on the door.
BOOM!
Daniel: You didn't need to knock the door down!
Jack: Oh, please let me do my Michael Caine...
Teal'c: I apologise, when you said 'like thunder'...
Daniel: Never mind. Actually, the three whistles is an interesting point, other cultures were also accepting of guests, the Romans...
Sam: Can we please finish? Normally I would sympathise in having a speech cut short, but this apron is embarrassing.
Daniel: Sure, I mean, I make an effort to get you guys to do some cross-cultural things... you could learn stuff from this...
Jack: But what will we learn? Sure Thor's Hammer helped, ish, but this? Someone whistles at you three times and they'll bite...
Daniel: Way to ruin the story!
Jack: Sorry.
Daniel: Well be quiet, you're meant to be a baby!
Teal'c: I've come to challenge Finn McCoul. I am Cucullin.
Sam: Oh, Jack's out teaching some upstart a lesson. He's much stronger than you.
Teal'c: I doubt it. I will be teaching him the lesson.
Sam: Well, while you're waiting, could you just turn the house around? It's awfully draughty.
Daniel: So Teal'c pulled his finger and turned the house around.
Teal'c: I did not, I merely moved the table and some other scenery around.
Sam: Just humour him. Thank you, I'd give you a drink, but Jack forgot to open the spring for me, would you mind?
Daniel: Teal'c pulled his finger nine times and...um, Teal'c, you could've just turned the tap, you needn't have blasted the pipes with you're staf...um lightening bolt.
Jack: Yeah, great way to drown the baby!
Teal'c: I apologise again.
Daniel: So Sam handed him one of her specially prepared buns.
Teal'c: Oh, it appears that I have lost a tooth. What have you put in these buns?
Sam: Um, nothing, you were just supposed to pretend.
Jack: Snicker
Daniel: Don't laugh, you've got to eat one now.
Jack: What?!
Daniel: I ate the porridge.
Sam: will people please stop insulting my cooking?! Anyway, Jack eats twelve of those for breakfast and his son eats them too.
Teal'c: This cannot be true.
Sam: He does, watch!
Daniel: And so Sam gave Jack an ahem- undoctored loaf.
Jack: Um, yum, yum?
Teal'c: He has strong teeth.
Jack: Not for much longer.
Sam: Yeah, I'll punch them out. Why don't you feel them? Put your hand deep inside...
Daniel: And with that, Jack bit off the magic finger. Teal'c fled and everyone lived happily ever after.
Jack: Yeuck! Fairy tales suck!
Sam: I agree. This was worse than some of the ones Jack made us do.
Teal'c: I too find it perplexing.
Daniel: Well, it wasn't meant to make sense....
THE END.
Jack and the Gatestalk
by
Skip
TITLE: Jack and the Gatestalk
AUTHOR: Skip
EMAIL: jackson4d@genie.co.uk
CATEGORY: Humor, Series
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: any; First in Skip's Panto Fics
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: A long, long time ago... Sg- stumbled into a weird alternate universe known only as 'Panto..,' Features various people, singing, badly.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
[I lost all my original disclaimers in the midst of... Well my puter sumwhere... Pity cos sum of em were works of art and earned me a reputation. Sigh.] Not mine. Not mine. Not mine. Such a sad little chant.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yeah sure whatever this has to be like a year since I started em. Carrie helped. Then jsc cheered. Then Asmiley went mad. Then Gemmie archived. I was far too lazy but decided I should maybe share. So this is for them, those mad, sad few LOL.
Cast of Characters:
Jack:Jack O'Neill
Giant named Apophis:Apophis
Giant's Wife:Janet Frasier
Jack's Mother:General Hammond
The Cow:Teal'c and Daniel Jackson
The Harp:Samantha Carter
Golden Goose:Schroedinger
Narrator:Daniel
Merchant:Maybourne
Narrator: Once Upon a Time, there was a little boy called Jack, who lived with his mother and cow.
Stage Curtain comes up. We see Jack talking to the cow.
Jack: Daniel, I can't believe you talked me into this!
Teal'c: You are addressing the wrong end O'Neill.
Daniel: Ahem!
Jack: All right already!
Jack: Oh my, we are so poor here at the SGC, however shall we cope, Cow?
Cow: Moo?
Enter Mother Hammond in full female garb.
Jack's Mommy: Son, we're going to have to sell the Cow, we can't afford the vet's bills every time it gets shot.
Daniel: Hey!
Jack kicks him.
Cow: Moo?
Jack: My, my, mother, what lovely hair you have!
Hammond: Don't push it.
Jack: Oh, woe is me! No longer will my cow state the freaking obvious at me, or lecture me on bovine culture!
Daniel: Hey! Lay off the insults!
Teal'c: Those lines are not in the script, O'Neill.
Jack: Who cares?
Jack's Mommy: Go to the Goa'uld slave market and sell it.
Jack leads the cow across the stage to market.
Narrator: So Jack is forced to lead his beloved cow into a meager existence of servitude to the Goa'uld, wailing at his lot in life.
Jack: You'd think he'd loan me a truck! Oh, no, his prized colonel has to walk...
Daniel: At least he's not selling you!
A merchant approaches, twiddling his (faux) moustache.
Merchant: Ho there! What a nice cow. Would you be willing to sell it for six chevrons? You wouldn't have to walk far.
Jack: OK.
Daniel: Hey!
Teal'c: This is most unwise.
Cow (with alarm): Moo??!!
Jack: Stow it, Cow! I'm doing this for the good of the world.
Back at SGC.
Narrator: And so Jack sells out his once-beloved cow for a few lousy chevrons.
Jack: Hey!
Daniel: It's true!
Jack: How come you get to be narrator and the Cow?
Daniel: 'Cos the cow is a really small part.
Jack: Teal'c isn't complaining.
Teal'c: That is correct.
Daniel: Never mind.
Jack's Mommy: So, what did you get? Some good technology? A sarcophagus?
Jack: Six symbols.
Jack's Mommy: What!? Our scramblers can get them for free! Do you have any idea what they're for?
Jack: No.
Jack's Mommy: Useless! I don't know why I keep you around!
He, er, she walks offstage.
Narrator: But Jack is an industrious boy and doesn't let his mother get him down. Positive the six chevrons will bring great wealth, he dials the Stargate.
Jack: I'll dial it up myself and see what I can find out. I'll show my mother. I'll show'em all!
Chevron 7 encoded.
Jack: That was quick!
The Stargate activates and Jack walks through it.
He emerges on a desert planet. There is a pyramid in the distance. He heads towards it.
Narrator: So our sell out deserter heads towards a Goa'uld Giant's palace.
Jack: Good thing I brought my gun. This looks like it could get rough. I wonder how much it costs to heat that place?
Daniel: But you didn't, the budget cuts meant that you could only afford one gun and SG-3 have it.
Jack: F...
Daniel: Hey! There may be kiddies watching! Really, you shouldn't be surprised by it...what with you having to sell a highly valued cow to obtain six free chevrons.
Jack: Fine.
Jack: Ohhhh...kree!
Daniel: That's better.
Narrator: So our intrepid renegade heads toward the palace unarmed and alone.
Jack: Rub it in, why don't you!
Jack: I think I can, I think I can.
Knock Knock!
The huge door opens, the Giant's wife looks down.
Wifey: What do you want? If my husband finds you here he will kill you! But I think you are kind of cute, so I'll let you in.
Jack: Thanks! I'm known for my bravery. Your husband doesn't scare me!
Daniel: Huh, bravery. Foolishness is more like it.
Jack: Ah ah ah! Watch it!
Wifey: Then you best come in.
Inside the palace, Egyptian décor.
Daniel: And so Jack entered the pyramid and ate the Goa'uld's wife's cooking. Suddenly, the Giant named Apophis returns.
Loud steps. Apophis enters. His wife plants a big smacker on him.
Apophis: Hey honey I'm home!
Jack: Hey honey I'm home???
Jack: Oh, fuzzbutt. What shall I do? Apophis is sure to see me and kill me.
Wife: Hard day, lovebunny?
Apophis: Yes, but no worse than usual. You know-had to destroy a couple of planets, choose some more Jaffa and hosts, got a little paperwork done. Same ol', same ol'.
Narrator: So Jack hid in the oven.
Jack: Oven? I'm not going in an oven!
Daniel: Would you prefer to be put in a hot oven? Or have a snake in your neck?
Jack: Point taken.
Jack gets in.
Narrator: Apophis settles down for dinner. Unbeknownst to him, his wife, utterly taken with our lad Jack has spiked his food. Soon, he was rendered unconscious.
Wifey: You can come out now, my little morsel.
Jack gets out, he black from head to toe with soot.
Jack: Very funny! If I'm not being shot at or beaten, I'm getting dirty.
Narrator: Now Jack, never one to back away without booty, decided to take a look around. He climbed up onto the table to see what was up there.
Jack climbs the table leg.
Jack: Can't they make the giants a bit smaller? Certainly would make my job a ton easier.
Daniel: No.
Jack: I had to ask!
On the table is a Golden Goose, looking suspiciously like a cat with wings strapped on it's back. Next to it is a beautiful Harp, typing away on a laptop.
Jack: Wow! How you doin'?
Harp: Hi, I'm just trying to solve this formula, be with you in a moment.
Golden Goose: Meow!
Jack: So, you come here often?
Sam: Colonel! Quit improvising.
Jack: Right. Regulations.
Jack: So, Harp, what's Apophis got ya working on?
Harp: Oh, a little of this, a little of that. I mostly help him muddle through the astrophysics of the Stargate.
Narrator: Jack realizes that the Harp would be a very valuable addition to the SGC. Using his charm and diplomatic skills, he woos her to join him.
Jack: Hey, I've got a proposition, why don't you come back through the Stargate with me? We've got some great computers... at least we did before the budget cuts... but we've also got ice-cream.
Daniel: Your main point for choosing alliance with the Ta'uri is that we have ice cream?
Jack: Uh, yeah.
Harp: Sounds great to me! Where do I sign up?
Jack smirks.
Daniel: Why doesn't this stupid script have you tell her about the great cultural benefits she will gain if she comes back with you? Damn military mentality.
Jack: I want her to come with me, not fall asleep or run away!
Daniel: Hey
Jack and the Harp head for the door. Behind them, the Giant named Apophis stirs.
Narrator: Before our hero and heroine make their great escape, Apophis regains consciousness and sees notices something is awry.
Apophis: Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Airforce mon!
Jack: Why the hell does Apophis suddenly have a Caribbean accent?
Daniel: Well, it had to rhyme somewhat.
Wifey: Run!
Apophis: Be he live, or be he dead, I'll crush his bones to make my bread!
Jack picks up the Harp and runs for the Stargate.
Harp: Why, aren't you the gentleman?
Daniel: Ahem. Now who's ad-libbing, Sam?
Narrator: So they run for the gate, with Apophis and his men in hot pursuit.
Jack: Geez, you're heavier than I thought!
Harp: It's that time of the month. Sorry, should have warned you!
Narrator: As they approach the DHD, Jack realizes he has no idea how to get home.
Jack: I have no idea how to get home.
Jack: (Double take.) Oh, ha ha!
Harp: Wait! This is what Apophis had me working on! He can't get to your world, but maybe I can!
She dials.
Narrator: As she dials the final symbol, the Stargate opens.
Whoosh! They walk through.
Jack: Bye! Sorry I can't stay, but the play's almost over.
Inside the SGC.
Jack's Mommy: Well son, you got a harp and a goose. Wonder how much they'll fetch at the market. I'll take them myself this time. You want something done, you gotta do it yourself.
Jack: But, mother, the Harp has special talents and can save the SGC.
Jack's Mommy: Well, why didn't you say so?! Oh, and by the way that merchant you traded the cow to had a change of heart (twinge of conscience for always swindling you) and brought it back while you were out.
Daniel: Well, I should say so.
Teal'c: Indeed.
Jack: Hooray!
Cow: Moo.
Narrator: And so ends our tale. Because our dear audience has had to sit through this monstrosity, I am using my omnipotent power and commanding you all to sing a song for them. Kind of an apology, if you will.
Jack: I'm not singing!
Daniel: Do it, Jack, or I'll tell the General you and the Harp were making goo-goo eyes at each other at Apophis' palace.
Jack: Touché. All right, but no encore.
Starred verses are sung by Maybourne, Kinsey, Goa'uld hordes and any other baddies (fill in your favorites) to the tune of Auld Lang Syne.
Remaining verses are sung by the other members of SGC, Nox, Tollan, Asgard, Tokra etc.
May old acquaintance be forgot,
And killed by our power divine!
May old baddies be revived,
For sake of story line.
When it's a mi-ll-ion-to-one,
May Luck be on our side!
May Daniel find a planet on
Which his hayfever don't reside.
May we invent new ways to kill,
May our voices stay so strange.
May organised revolt n'er find,
It's way to our range.
May Kinsey be locked away,
May God stay on our side!
May Hammond not get angry when
SG-1 'to danger stride.
May stupid mistakes occur,
And accidents befall!
May Daniel get shot and Jack
Be chained to my wall.
Jack: Hey! (He sings alone:)
May snakes be ever so stupid
May Jaffas die easily!
May all the Goa'ulds combust
Spontan-eo-us-ly!
Daniel:
May I find some strange new text,
Make friends instead of war!
May see my Sha're again,
It's all I'm asking for.
Sam:
May interstellar wormholes
And physics never fail!
May I solve the equations and
Send Maybourne to jail.
Maybourne: No fair!
May Tokra, Tollans and the Nox,
Surrender all to me!
Give me your tech, 'cos I'm the best
And so'll say posterity!
Teal'c:
May Goa'uld be denounced,
For all the world to see!
May my son and all of Chulak
Be the ones freedom to see.
Jack: Not bad!
Apophis: My turn now!
May those who dare to challenge
My authority,
Rot in all the hells there are,
For all eternity!
SG-1:
May we win the war,
That we've fought so long,
May we hope and peace abound
Jack: So I don't have to sing this song.
Daniel: That's all we have time for folks, I hope you enjoyed the ride. I tried to have a laugh, at least I found this funny. G'Night!
Curtain falls.
Daniel: Hey guys! I didn't get hurt or sneeze!
Sam groans.
Jack: Jinx yourself why don't ya?!
Daniel sneezes so hard that he is propelled into the wall and knocks himself out.
Jack, Sam and Teal'c: Ohmygod! They killed Danny!
Jack: You bastards!
Teal'c: It would appear that Daniel Jackson will not see in the New Year.
Jack: Don't worry. Doc'll save him and all will work out in the end. It always does.
Curtain falls.
The End, and God bless us, everyone.
Jack Powers, International Man of Mystery... and Super Spy Sex Symbol!
by
Skip
TITLE: Jack Powers, International Man of Mystery... and Super Spy Sex Symbol!
AUTHOR: Skip
EMAIL: jackson4d@genie.co.uk
CATEGORY: Humor
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: SG-1 Meets the 60s.... Panto style.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors. Fine. See if I care. No I don't own them and now you've upset me. I think I'm gonna cry...:(
AUTHOR'S NOTES: All of the really rich companies who own these guys do NOT endorse the taking of any addictive drugs (with the possible exception of caffeine...). The writer does not take responsibility for any loss of stomach contents during or after reading this. Nor does she take responsibility from the loss of earnings of the guys who work in cinemas after all the people who (well, if anyone does) read this are put off cinema going for life. She does, however, wish you all the best as she is soon to join our friends in the padded room... Lah di dah di dah....
Jack: Daniel? What just happened?
Daniel: I don't know... last thing I remember, we were getting ready to do another panto...ah...
Jack: Did you just say the 'p' word?
Daniel: Uh...
Jack: DANIEL?
Daniel: Um, well, traditionally the panto season lasts into spring and we had a few minutes and...
Jack: I can't believe you! Why can't you just be a normal little archaeologist?
Sam: Sir... I really think we should do something about this... this...
Jack: Go ahead, say it.
Sam: This, predicament.
Jack: Predicament? Do you see what happened?! Am I the only one who can see this?
Teal'c: I believe that Major Carter is referring to the huge daisy we are standing on.
Jack: Ah! So I haven't gone mad!
Sam and Daniel: ...
Jack: Hey!
Daniel: Hey, look, there's a script...
Jack Powers, International Man of Mystery.
Jack: I didn't just hear that, did I, Daniel?
Daniel: The year, 1969. Dr. Te'vil is launched into space and cryogenically frozen. His arch-enemy, Jack Powers is frozen in the hopes that he would someday be able to destroy him.
Jack: Daniel? (Waves hand in front of his eyes.) Danny? Can you hear me?
Sam: It's no good, Sir... He just can't help it when he gets his narrator's hat on.
Jack: I trust you are speaking metaphorically...
Sam: No, I made him a little hat...
Jack: Sweet. Just... peachy.
Daniel: Uh, Jack... we have to freeze you now...
Jack: No way!
Daniel: It's in the script... Oh alright. We'll just make you a little chilly.
Sam puts a bag of frozen peas on Jack's head.
Jack: Brr! Handy, that, having a bag of peas handy.
Sam: Well, we couldn't afford a cryogenic chamber, so we were just going to shove you in the military size freezer and we had to take these out to make room...
Jack: You knew about this! All of you! You're ganging up on me! This ain't fair!
Daniel: Oh that's not true... it isn't anything personal...
Jack: This REALLY sucks. We are now doing a rip-off of a rip-off.
Daniel: Don't you find that an ironic statement about the film industry? Isn't it a sign of the times and a nifty artistic point?
Sam: Actually, I thought it was just a neat way to rip-off the source, and all the original sources all at once, sort of Write One, Get Lots Free...
Teal'c: I do not understand, what are we discussing?
Jack: Enough with the chatting! These peas are cold, dammit!
Daniel: Unfortunately, Te'vil's spaceship landed on a planet nearby and he was defrosted. This was a populated planet, so Powers was needed to stop him. First, they defrosted him.
Sam takes off the bag of peas and blows a hairdryer at him.
Daniel: Then they gave Jack his clothes to change into, as for some strange reason, he was frozen in combats and preferred his... uh...
Jack: I am NOT wearing THOSE!
Daniel: Just think of the top as... really weird dress uniform and the medallion as... dogtags...
Jack: What are you wearing? You got into the spirit, didn't you? You're wearing flares and flower power stuff, aren't you? You hippie, you!
Daniel: So the clever scientists at the SGC- the Super Groovy Command- manipulated the fluctuations in the gravitational field that had been caused by using microwave ovens too close to all the shiny medallions.
Jack: Well, Carter, I'm assuming you wrote the last bit...
Sam: Well, yes. Unfortunately, I can't remember if they had microwaves in the 60s.
Daniel: We were going to ask you, you being the expert and all... but that would have spoiled the surprise.
Jack: Grrrr.
Daniel: So, they managed to create an effective form of transport to send our man to the planet.
Teal'c: Is that not the Stargate painted pink?
Sam: Don't forget the twirly, psychedelic plastic windmill in the middle! It took me hours...
Jack: When I get out of the velvet suit, remind me to order you to get a life, Carter.
Daniel: So they gave him some happy pills and he went on a little journey...
Jack: Look, if you're going to do that, do it right, say 'Trip.'
Daniel: But then some impressionable person might think that the large group of rich companies which own us endorse drug use, or that taking narcotics can lead to the sensation of going through the 'gate or...
Jack: Look, I doubt anyone will go and turn into a mindless druggie cos you said the word 'trip.' Honestly, all this poncy political correctness and...
Sam throws him through the 'gate.
Daniel: A long and strange journey it was, though we cannot afford the effects, so you must just believe me when I tell you about the walrus.
Strange, spaced out music is played, until the radio DJ cuts in and the stereo is switched off.
Jack: Arggh!!! Don't do that to me, Carter! Carter?! Why are you wearing that dress?
Sam (sulking): Daniel made me, he said I had to join in.
Jack: Too right too!
Daniel: Jack?
Jack: Mmm?
Daniel: Jaaaack? Will you stop staring at Ivana Countalot, please!
Jack: I wasn't staring!
Daniel: You were! You still are!
Jack: Am not!
Daniel: Anyway... Jack Powers and his assistant, Ivana Countalot found themselves on a strange new planet. Here, the ground was all squishy and there were weird flying things...
Jack: You put me in the padded room, I can't believe it!
Jack bangs his head on a dangly mobile.
Jack: Oww....
Teal'c: Ahah! I have you now, Powers! You will not escape this time!
Jack: No, please tell me that I don't see Teal'c dressed up in a grey... whatever. Hey, is that Schroedinger you're holding?
Sam: Hey, you shaved him! That's not nice!
Daniel: It's all in the pursuit of... well, not literature...
Teal'c: Silence, fools! Minite'e, put them in the Unas tank.
Jack: As opposed to a shark tank, I guess. Hey, you got that little Nox to be Miniyou? He looks nothing like you!
Minitee the Nox bites Jack's hand and growls at them until they leave.
Daniel: So our insip- er, intrepid explorers find themselves in a cave-full of Unas with no means of escape. How ever will they get out?
Jack: As I am a super spy, no doubt I have a super-dooper utility belt, or some great gadgets to hand?
Sam: Well, I was supposed to make them... but I had to rehearse and I had to make Daniel's props and..
Jack: So you're telling me it's a 'No' then.
Sam nods.
Daniel: Uh, guys? Don't you ever remember anything we do? Doesn't 'Unas' ring a bell?
Jack: Butt ugly... tried to kill me and Teal'c... Hey, didn't you get chummy with one, once?
Daniel: Bravo, bravura! Well done, Jack. I mean, I was missing for hours and you barely remembered!
Jack: Hey, you know I have a mind like a fish for those things... hockey scores, however...
Daniel: By some freak of nature, it was the same tribe I had met up with and the leader recognised Jack despite only seeing him for a few moments and hardly being able to distinguish between different sexes, never mind people as they were a strange race to them which is all pretty astonishing and points to...
Jack: Enough! Just show us the back door!
Unas: Here it is.
Jack: I thought they couldn't speak...
Daniel: Narrator's licence. Now leave before they kill you.
Jack: You do *so* not need to tell me twice.
Daniel: Meanwhile, back at Super Grinch Command...
Sam: It ain't Christmas anymore!
Daniel: Well, YOU try and think of something beginning with 'G'!
Teal'c: Buwahahahaha! Now I have killed Jack Powers, I am free to kill all the cute little fluffy bunny rabbits of PX7-123! Buwahahahaha! Behold, Minite'e, my Deaf Staff!
Daniel: Uh... that sorta works...
Teal'c: It is so named because it plays a tape of such mind-numbing lectures that all who hear it fall asleep and so can be vaporised by my staff! In order to prevent the humorous occurrence of me firing and falling asleep myself... I have protection!
He brandishes a pair of fluffy pink earmuffs.
Daniel: One wonders if such a thing happened before and that the earmuffs are a new addition...
Teal'c: Danieljackson, I am unaware what these things are...
Daniel: They're sorta like headphones... but fluffy.
Teal'c: Ahh, is there a reason as to why a 'Super Evil Villain Bad Guy' would want to wear pink headphones?
Daniel: Er... Maybe they are made with the skin of the fluffy bunny rabbits he so despises?
Sam: That ain't nice!
Daniel: Sam, by definition, 'Super Evil Villain Bad Guys' aren't nice. Anyway, maybe he had good reason to hate the rabbits, maybe they kept digging up his garden? Who knows what goes on in the minds of SEVBGs...
Jack: That is another, really sad acronym. I mean, that one isn't remotely funny, it doesn't say *anything!*
Daniel: It wasn't meant to, I was just tired of saying 'Sup...'
Jack: OK, we get the picture.
Teal'c puts on the earmuffs.
Daniel: So, as Dr. Te'vil has now got on his rabbit-skin...
Sam: Faux rabbit-skin...
Daniel: ...Faux rabbit-skin mufflers, he does not hear Super-Spy-Sex-Symbol... Super-Spy-Sex-Symbol? Who's been messing with my script, Jack?
Jack: What? Have you never seen the film?
Daniel: Well, yeah, but I mean, sex symbol? You?
Jack: What are you implying, pansy?
Daniel: Pansy? Right, I am narrator, so you have just lost your mojo, whatever little you had!
Jack: Right, that does it! Give me back my mojo!
Daniel: Shan't!
Jack: Shall!
Daniel: Shan't!
Jack: Shall!
Daniel: Shan't, shan't, shan't!
Sam: Honestly, you are just a pair of big babies! Daniel, give him back his mojo and apologise for insulting him. Sir, you apologise for messing with his script. NOW!
Jack and Daniel (in very quiet voices): Sorry.
Sam: I can't hear you!
Jack and Daniel: SORRY!
Sam: Better. Now Daniel, I believe you have some narrating to do.
Daniel (sulkily): So Stupid-Spy Jack and his bossy assistant entered the huge room unheard. Despite Jack being a big oaf who can't keep his mouth shut.
Jack: Grrr...
Sam: Oh my, Jack, isn't this place huge!
Jack: Did you just...?
Sam: You *are* playing 'Jack Powers', Sir. I could hardly call you 'Colonel'. I'm in character.
Jack: Shagadelic. (BEAT) What? I'm in character too!
Daniel: Just as long as you don't start saying 'Do I make you horny, baby?' in a rip-off English accent...
Sam: Wow, Daniel! That was a really good impression!
Daniel: Really?
Jack: No! Hahahaha!
Daniel: Shut it, Halitosis Boy, before I throw this lava lamp at you.
Jack: Hah! You can't call me that. I didn't put the false teeth in!
Daniel: Who was talking about false teeth?
Jack: Why you little...
Daniel (choking): Agfgghhhhffgfgfh!
Jack: Now you will stop messing about. How come I get this job again?
Daniel: Well, in most pantos and things, the main man was called 'Jack'. Jack and the Beanstalk, Little Jack Horner, The House That Jack Built...
Jack (preening): So I was just born to be the lead man, I mean, even my parents realised it...
Daniel: Well, no. Jack was just a really common name and easy for kids. Jack is just a general name like... the British soldier being Tommy, or unidentified stiffs being John... Actually, Jack is a pet name of John which just goes to show how common it is... all the Jacksons and Johnsons...
Jack: Common? Oh, you... Wait, you're 'Jackson', so you're common too! Hahaha! Your cleverness backfired!
Sam: Yeah, serves you right for doing your lecture.
Daniel: Why are you being mean to me Sam?
Sam: The dress. I rest my case.
Daniel: Oh...
Jack: The reason I'm doing all the hard work is cos you get a kick out of being the narrator. I'm right, aren't I? You're on a power trip!
Daniel: And I thought you'd like to do this... thought James Bond'd be sorta like another of your idols...
Jack: James Bond, maybe, but not dressed like this! I'd wear a smart suit...
Daniel: You don't own one. You only have your uniform and your trackies. I've seen your wardrobe.
Jack: Hey! There is nothing wrong with trackies!
Sam: Guys... even though discussing childhood idols and clothes is fun... We have a panto to do. Te'vil will take of those muffs any minute!
Jack: Oh yeah, right.
Daniel: So Jack Powers steps up onto the super-high-tech control panel...
Jack: The one that is really just the controls for the Stargate...
Daniel: ... And is just about to shut the evil bunny killing super-laser down when Minite'e spots him.
Minite'e: !!!
Jack: What was that?
Daniel: Well, he can't talk... so he pulled at Dr. Te'vil's sleeve.
Tug, tug.
Teal'c: What is this? Jack Powers! I thought I killed you already! Agh, you will not escape twice!
Daniel: So Jack and Te'vil fight, knocking over several expensive looking painted cardboard boxes. They struggle to hit the 'Fire' button. Jack hits it, then Te'vil, then Jack, then...
Powering down sound. Darkness.
Jack: Who turned out the lights?
Sam: I did, Sir. It was getting pretty tedious to watch you both fight and it does cost an awful lot to light this place, so I pulled the plug.
Daniel: But we missed the fabulous 'disarm the bomb' sequence and the villain's escape and the...
Jack: Stow it.
Daniel: Will I ever get to finish a story properly?
Jack: I doubt it. Teal'c, you can put the cat down, now.
***
THE END
Little Red Baseball Cap
by
Skip
TITLE: Little Red Baseball Cap
AUTHOR: Skip
EMAIL: jackson4d@genie.co.uk
CATEGORY: Humor, Series
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: 5; Thrid in Skip's Panto Fics
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: And then.... there was crossdressing... SG-1 in DRAG?
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors. That's it I'm fed up of this I AM taking Jack!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yah like people read the disclaimer why should I bother putting my bits in... LOL...
Yeah yeah I know :D Blame the archiving on Gemmie I was happy to let it gather dust for another year.Thanks to Carrie for her help.
Narrator: Daniel
Red: Jack
Wolf: Teal'c
Grandma: Hammond
Woodcutter: Sam.
Narrator: Once Upon A Time there was a little girl who wore a red baseball cap.
Sam: Um, Daniel, for some reason Jack was cast as Red.
Jack: What?!
Daniel: Well, I'm not sure, but I think the author enjoys dressing you up as a girl and having Sam save you.
Jack: Ooookkayyy. This is weird.
Narrator: So there was this little boy called Red. He was a good little boy.
Daniel: Snicker.
Jack: What?
Daniel: Um, nothing.
Narrator: One day his mother gave him a basket of MREs for his Granny and he agreed to take them, even though the way to Granny's house was through a dense forest.
Jack: Sure, I'm not gonna nick any. How come we don't see my mom?
Daniel: We couldn't find anybody old enough.
Jack: Grrrrrr.
Daniel: OK, Janet has to keep an eye on Cassie. She wanted to watch our production, but we didn't trust your tongue.
Jack: Hey! I can mind my language!
Sam: Sure.
Jack: Stay outta this!
Daniel: Order please!
Jack (mouthing): Order please?!
Narrator: Arms loaded with chicken flavoured MREs, Red skipped away through the wood.
Jack: Daniel? Skipping? Do I look like the skipping type?
Sam: Well, actually...
Jack (screaming): I DO NOT SKIP!
Teal'c: Actually O'Neill, it is good exercise.
Daniel: Fine. Whatever, Jack. I'll improvise okay?
Narrator: Ol', cranky, spoiled Red grumbled his way across the darkening forest. He was concentrating mightily on NOT skipping and it came as a great surprise to him when he bumped into a woodland creature. A very large, intimidating wolf, to be exact.
Wolf: Greetings, small human boy.
Jack: Teal'c, you DO know nobody can see you, right? The costume really wasn't necessary.
Teal'c: Is it not our responsibility as providers of entertainment to portray our roles with accuracy, O'Neill? I did not wish to detract from the effectiveness of my role.
Wolf: May I enquire as to where you are going?
Red: Uh, sure. I'm going to Granny's to give her some MREs. She's been a little under the weather. Can you tell me the way? I appear to be lost and it is nearing night time.
Jack: Danny! I never get lost!
Daniel: Well there was the time when...
Red: OK, so where do I go?
Narrator: The wolf saw his opportunity for fine dining that evening. He, however, was a very light-hearted wolf and thought he would have fun with the dim-witted boy and direct him on the longest route possible.
Jack: Daniel! Damn it. I am NOT dim-witted! Knock it off before I smack you!
Daniel: I am narrator. My word is lore. That'll teach you to whine about the skipping.
Wolf: The way is quite simple. You follow this path for...
5 minutes later
Daniel: Jack! Wake up!
Jack: Whu? Oh, right.
Narrator: The wolf left Red after giving the directions, and Red was on his way, not privy to the wolf's ulterior motives. The wolf, meanwhile, had taken a much more direct path to Granny's house and gobbled her up in one gulp.
Granny: Ouch.
Narrator: First course done, the wolf ransacked Granny's closet and put on one of her nightgowns.
Daniel: Snicker.
Teal'c: What is it that you find amusing, Daniel Jackson?
Daniel, between snorts of laughter: Do you really have to ask?! Sam, a little help?
Sam: Did you have to wear the apron, floral dress, blue rinse wig and curlers, Teal'c?
Teal'c: As I stated before, it adds to the believability of my character.
Daniel: Yeah, it does! Never mind.
Narrator: Red finally makes it to Granny's house, after stopping on several occasions to gawk at shiny objects, no doubt.
Jack (threatening): Daniel!
Daniel: Stars, Jack, stars! Geez.
Red: Hello Granny! I brought lovely Macaroni and Dumplings to help you feel better!
Daniel: Yeuch!
Wolf: Greetings, Grandson.
Red: Oh Granny, what a deep voice you have.
Wolf: All the better to greet you with, my dear.
Red: Oh Granny, what big hands you have.
Wolf: All the better to meet you with, my dear.
Red: Oh Granny, what a weird walking stick you have- sheesh!
Sam: Hey, I thought this was a kid's story! That's obscene!
Jack: Carter! You're sick!
Daniel: Huh? What are you talking about?
Teal'c: If I am correct, Daniel Jackson, Major Carter is implying that....
Daniel (red faced): That is sick. Let's do it over.
Red: Oh Granny, what an unusual broom you have.
Jack: Better??
Daniel: Not much.
Wolf: All the better to beat you with, my dear.
Narrator: The wolf leapt out of the bed and began to chase Red around the room. Red screamed and ran.
Jack: Aaarrgh! Help! Teal'c is chasing me with his staff weapon!
Sam: This is sooo funny!
Daniel: Yes, this is a Kodak moment, Teal'c in drag chasing Jack wearing a red cap!
Jack: This is not funny! A little help would be appreciated!
Daniel: Oh, like you helped us when Apophis the Master was going to suck out my brains in Dr. Who?
Jack: Well I did! Even though you spoilt it...
Sam: Well, he did.
Daniel: Fine. Still cut it a little close.
Narrator: Just when it looks like Red is doomed, a woodcutter happens to walk by Granny's house. Hearing the ruckus, she enters to save the day.
Sam: No lumberjack jokes.
Daniel: I think that's the next song Jack's doing.
Jack: Nooooo!
Sam: Actually, I'll save you if you sing it.
Jack: Grrrrrrr....
Narrator: The trusty woodcutter assesses the situation, makes a snap decision to risk injuring Red in order to save him.
Woodcutter: Wolf! You will stop chasing that boy now or suffer my wrath!
Sam: 'Suffer my wrath'? was this written for Teal'c?!
Wolf: Eh? Forget you!
Narrator: Before she can stop him, the wolf devours Red.
Red: Ow! (Muffled) Arrggghhh!!!
Woodcutter: Very well. I warned you!
Narrator: The woodcutter swings her mighty axe...
Sam: I think I would be smarter than that, I mean, the wolf has teeth!
Daniel: So what do you want to do?
Sam: Something sciency and clever.
Daniel: OK. How's this?
Narrator: The woodcutter stays away from the wolf's big teeth and swings her mighty axe into the doorjamb. The doorjamb swings down and cracks the wolf's head wide open. She sees its stomach moving and realizes that Red is still alive. She uses her axe to split open its stomach. Out pops Red, and Granny too.
Jack: Ew, that is sick. Inside his stomach? Eh, pass the bucket.
Teal'c: I am relieved that ordeal i |
